The first day of the rest of my life

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." - Romans 5:1 (NIV)

In February of 2002, I was involved in a pretty bad car accident. It happened at a time in my life when I was smoking two packs of cigarettes a day, was an alcoholic, and spent my weekends doing anything and everything to have a good time. I was at the point of just accepting that my life was what it was and that I should do whatever I had to do to get through it. I couldn't face a day without alcohol and cigarettes. On the weekends, I was very promiscuous and very drunk.

It was a Thursday evening and I was anxious to get home. As I sat at a traffic light waiting for it to turn green so I could go, a car sped toward the rear bumper of my Mazda pickup. He had switched lanes thinking that he was simply getting around slow traffic. I glanced at my rear view mirror in time to catch him coming toward me at around 60 miles an hour. As I braced myself for a violent impact, my mind blanked. He hit me. The force of the impact instantly totaled the vehicle and pushed me ahead more than 20 feet into a truck that had just pulled off due to the light having just turned green. I don't remember the whole incident, but my head flew back hitting the window behind me and then quickly forward to strike the steering wheel. When the truck finally stopped I was in a daze and reached for my neck, fearing the worse. I had received a bad case of whiplash, with my Doctor telling me that I was lucky that my injuries were no worse than they were. I spent the next few months dealing with therapy and lawyers, all of which worked out with God's help.

About a month and a half after I had the accident, my Cousin invited me to her Church to see the Easter Presentation. I had seen it before and thought that it was very good, but it had never affected me. This time was different though. During one particular scene, after Christ's crucifixion, a single spotlight shone on the cross as He was removed and taken off stage. My heart opened up. Suddenly, it seemed as if there was no one else in the auditorium but me and God was all around me. I stared at the Cross as God spoke to my heart, saying "I did this for you. I've been watching over you through everything that has happened. I brought you here tonight because I love you." In the deep recesses of my heart, the walls of hurt crumbled as I realized that there was only one answer to my problems. I gave my heart, life, and existence to Him that night and have never looked back.

I look at my heart as a home. Through the many phases of my life, I had repainted the walls hundreds of times in an effort to find the right colors that would make me happy. I had redecorated with all sorts of things and built up room after room of clutter in my quest for peace and happiness. Memories, guilt, and experiences were piled up to the ceiling. One night in 2002, Christ knocked on the front door. In tears, I asked Him to please come inside and try to fix the mess that I had made. As his feet crossed the threshold and He stepped inside, my "home" was instantly transformed. What had taken me all of these years to mess up was repaired in an instant.

No matter how bad things are, there is hope. Giving your life to Christ is the ultimate answer to anything that you can possibly face. He can fix things that we think are hopeless. He can repair broken hearts, take away pain and replace it with peace, and change our existance if we will just allow him to come inside our hearts. I thank God for watching over me through everything that I have encountered. All of experiences have brought me to this point in my life ... and all of the adversity in my life gave me a greater appreciation for His love, forgiveness, and power when I finally surrendered my heart. If I look back a few years ago, I thought that my life was over. Today, I can't imagine ever feeling the way I felt and doing the things that I did in an effort to be happy.

And as I travel this road toward Heaven, my journey just gets better ...

A change of direction

"For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace." - Romans 8:5-6

In our lives, when we want to make positive changes, we have to change our mindset. We have to focus on God through all of our adversity and trust that He can pull us through anything. Sometimes, part of changing our mindset involves leaving behind those situations and friends that are contributing to the problem. We cannot remain carnally minded or have those kinds of influences in our lives and expect to find true peace and happiness in Christ.

When I gave my life to Christ, I had a sincere desire to change my existance. I left behind an entire culture and set of friends. It was necessary for me to do this in order to follow Christ. He changed my heart and mind completely and the desire to participate in such things went away. I was a foul-mouthed, cigarette smoking, alcoholic before He came into my heart. My whole life revolved around my friends, my beer, and keeping my head just barely above water ... to keep myself from drowning in a sea of depression and anger. He has given me a joy and peace that is far beyond my understanding, and I have no desire to ever return to my former life.

I am not going to say that I don't have bad days ... I am a human being. But all that I have to do clear my mind is to simply pray and focus my spiritual eyes on God.

Something that I learned through living my life is that there are plenty of people to contribute to your downfall, but no one around to help you stand up. I can remember all of the nights that I layed in bed feeling so alone and lost, even though I had a wealth of friends. My group of friends would go to the Clubs with me and we would party the weekends away. We would laugh and drink, and do whatever it took to have a good time. But, no matter how drunk I got or what I did, there was an emptiness ... a void in my heart and soul ... that no amount of partying, sex, or alcohol could fill. When I gave my life to Christ, all of the negative things were removed and my life was altered. He filled my heart with all of the peace that I have ever needed and more.

Are you having problems that seem insurmountable and you don't know where to turn? I've been there.
Are you suffering with depression so bad that you don't want to get out of bed and can't sleep? I've been there.
Are you headed toward an early grave because of your lifestyle? I've been there.
Are you doing whatever you can to escape and to numb your senses? I've been there.
Are you thinking about just killing yourself because you can't go on? I've been there, too.
I know that feeling of emptiness ... I have had it before.

Christ wants to be your best friend and give you love beyond any that you can experience here on earth. He loves you so much and wants to help you.

Talk to Him. He's listening.

Life with Father

"For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." - Matt. 6:14 (NKJV)

I was born as a change-of-life child to my parents. My Dad had settled into his family of three children that were all born close together; eight years before Mom became pregnant with me. My Sister and two Brothers were all born within a couple of years of each other, my sister being born first. That was a completion of my Dad's idea of a family. Suddenly, the rythym-method ceased to work and along I came. My Dad was less than thrilled about the prospect of having another child and made it obvious as I grew up.

During my childhood, because of the distance in ages between myself and my siblings, I spent a lot of time playing alone. When I was 10 years old, my youngest brother was already 18 and living his new-found adulthood. Gathering my Matchbox cars together, I would go out and play with them alone for hours. Sometimes, I would simply explore the old farmhouse that we lived in and imagine great adventures with playmates that I didn't have. My Mom, feeling overprotetive, didn't like any friend that happened to come over. She wanted to keep me away from the world.

My Dad, being the World War II veteran, only experienced two types of emotions: contentment and anger. Internally, he could not fully accept me. Outwardly, he was quickly angered by me and the ways that I conducted myself as a child. He was quick to take off his belt and whip me for simple childhood indescretions, and he could be verbally abusive at times; telling me that there must be something wrong with me. I tried in desperation to meet his expectations over my childhood and young adult years and to find some kind of close relationship with him, but it never happened.

In 1993, my Mom died from Cancer. It was very tramatic for me because she had always been there. I couldn't imagine her being gone. It took me quite a while to simply move on, but thankfully, she had accepted Christ before she died and I knew that she was alright. My Dad didn't deal with it so well and was suddenly thrust into life without her. He began to experience a lot of changes in his existance and the way that he saw the world. We all began to see a person that we didn't know and certainly didn't grow up with.

In 2001, I lost my Sister to Cancer also. We had became very close over a period of a few years before her death. I never realized what we had missed with each other until she nearly reached the end of her life. This event caused my Dad to further withdraw and to basically give up.

This year, In February, My Dad passed away. Despite all that we had been through with each other, we managed to at least be friends before he died. He had become a Christian after my Mom's death and had become a very gentle soul. We never had the chance to really catch up on all of the lost years, but I treasured the time that I had to simply be with him.

Jesus said that we should forgive others so that our Father in Heaven can forgive us ... and I did when I accepted Christ into my life and experienced the forgiveness that He offered me. I had a lot of issues with Dad, but God gave me a comfort and compassion far beyond any of the pain and tears that I had ever experienced. All of the anger that I had harbored for all of these years has simply went away.

Although I know that my Dad is where he wants to be ... walking across Heaven with my Mom and Sister ... I find myself wishing that we could have another lifetime to do it over ... the right way. I miss him.

Trusting for the impossible

You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. - I John 4:4 (NKJV)

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. - Romans 8:37 (NKJV)

The power that God has amazes me. It has taken me some time to learn it, but I know that God can literally alter your existence through prayer and faith. He has the power to change the reality of things that we believe are "unchangable". God has recently shown me what prayer and faith can do. Although it may be a very small thing to some, it changed my view of things.

I live in an older apartment complex right in the middle of downtown. Recently, I had been experiencing some issues with a new neighbor. He is young and is generally up all night. There are some nights when he has been up at 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning playing loud music or just being noisy in general without any regard for his neighbors. It can be very disturbing to me because the headboard of my bed is against the wall that seperates me from his living room.

When I began to talk to friends and aquaintances about my problem, they all began to tell me that I needed to call the Police. That is something that is not generally my style, but sounded reasonable. Some also told me that I should talk to the Landlord, which was considerably easier for me to accept doing since any action taken would have been initiated by him. Still, I wasn't completely comfortable with any of it.

After a particularly wonderful Sunday morning at Church (which occurred after an eventful night at home accompanied by very little sleep), I decided to put God to work for me. I began by laying hands on the wall behind my bed and asking for God's power to work in this situation. I prayed for God to move in mighty ways; for His spirit to inhabit my apartment and to move through the walls and invade my neighbors apartment. I ended by praying for my neighbor's salvation. I then took two pieces of paper, wrote out the verses for Romans 8:37 and 1John 4:4, and placed them on the wall seperating us. I concluded by rebuking Satan from my apartment in the name of Jesus and telling Him that He had no power over this situation and that according to God's word and assurance, I would no longer be disturbed by my neighbor. I acted on faith and have stood on it. Needless to say, God has moved in this situation and I have not been disturbed in the last month. I praise the Lord every day for this little blessing and the difference that it has made in my view of Him.

This simple little event has shown me what God is capable of doing if we simply trust in Him and act on faith. The bible says in Mark 10:27, "But Jesus looked at them and said, 'With men it is impossible, but not with God; for with God all things are possible.'" It has occurred to me that if God will do something so small to show His ability, what more can he do to change and alter our lives? He wants to bless and change us so that we can be a witness to a lost and dying world that He is able to make the impossible possible. And with faith and trust in Him, He can. Try Him ... you'll never be disappointed.

Loving all of your neighbors

"You have heard that it was said, "You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? - Matthew 5:43-46 (NKJV)

Everybody has had someone in their life that has done them wrong; someone that has used or abused them with no remorse or regret. Even years after the incident, the feelings of hurt that we have inside of us can continue to brew. When we are harboring anger and bad feelings toward someone, it affects our lives and how we interact with other people.

Earlier this year, my Dad passed away. We had a very troubled relationship over the years. Although I truly miss him, after his passing I began re-plowing old ground in our relationship. I realized that I was holding on to every problem we had as I was growing up. I still became angered and hurt at him, even after all of this time. As I reexamined my childhood, I began to remember things that I had long since forgotten. With every memory came a new flood of emotion.

After a time, I began to realize that there was no way to redo the past; to fix the wrongs. I realized that I needed to move on. I felt like the best thing that I could do was to ask God for help with these reemerging feelings. I began to pray for strength and compassion. I wanted to love my Dad regardless of our past. With God's help, I was able to put it all behind me and reformulate my love for my Dad. It was a process that I could not have went through without prayer.

In reality, many times too much time has passed to do anything about old incidents. I remember having boys bully me in school, but truly, who remembers it besides me? Most of these incidents happened almost 25 or 30 years ago.

Even today, I encounter people that hassle me about my Christianity and those that simply do not believe that accepting Christ made the difference in my life that it did. They say and do all sorts of things, but I have to remain faithful to my Christianity. Christ is more important to me than any issues that I can have with someone.

The best way that we can deal with those that have wronged us to simply pray for them and treat them the way that Christ treated those that persecuted Him. As He hung on the cross, he prayed "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do." The volume of love he showed in those simple words is amazing to me and brings me to tears every time I read them. It is something that each one of us should strive to achieve for our enemies. After all, it is our duty to reach the lost of the world and show them the love that Christ has for them.

What do others see in you?

"No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. - Luke 6:43-44 (NIV)

Have you ever been around a Christian that is always grumbling and complaining? I have been that person before. Not only is it a sin, but it drags down every person around them. Aside from that, it shows a total lack of trust in God and doesn't show others what God has done for us. Like the Bible says in Luke 6:45,

"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."

I always try to show others that have this problem what they are doing with this negative attitude. I try to motivate them to pray over their situations and surrender them totally to God; a lesson that I had to learn.

In all honesty, we are only human and are going to make mistakes. We are going to have those times when our actions will speak much louder than our words; times when we pridefully want to be seen in a certain light but when other people's view of us are corrupted by something we have said or done. There will be those times when we want others to see the difference that God has made in our lives, but when we are acting just like everyone else.

The greatest witness you will ever be to someone is by exibiting Christ in your life ... to wear Him on your sleeve, so to speak. Maintain your spiritual and moral integrity, and don't try to fit in with the crowd or with someone that is pressuring you to do something that you know is wrong. You will have a much more positive influence on others if you show that the joy of the Lord in your life is more important to you than anything that this world can offer.

Cursing, smoking, drinking, being promiscuous, listening to music that isn't uplifting, and even gossiping are all things that say to the world, "God didn't really change me." Remember, "No good tree bears bad fruit". As Christians, we have something to share and it is our responsibility to show it. If Christ can change our lives and put us on a road to Heaven, He can do the same for anyone in this lost and dying world.

Another step in the journey ...

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28 (NKJV)

Last year, I lost everything. I lost my vehicle, my apartment, my bank account, and my job. Within a period of 3 months, I was living with a relative and looking for a job. At first, I was very resentful toward God because it didn't make any sense. I worked so hard to finally achieve something in my life, and then it gets taken away in one broad stroke. It was also more than humbling to ask people for help and for them to tell you no ... even close relatives and friends. For the first time in my life, it was just me and God. Thankfully, my Cousin stepped up to the plate and offered to give me a place to stay until I could get on my feet. It was a blessing to have her do this for me. She was the only person that came forward to help.

At first, I was a bit uncomfortable. I didn't know how this was going to work out. Her and her Husband were beginning to have problems shortly before I got there. And although there house was big, I wondered if it was big enough. I also had to rebuild my life and didn't know if I could deal with everything at once. One thing that I have learned, though, is that God always has a bigger plan and purpose.

My cousin gave me all of the space I needed and all of the moral support that she could offer. She unselfishly took me back and forth to my new job and fed me without a second thought. I owed her much more than the money that I was able to give her.

During my stay there, I was often the impartial observer, friend, and referee ... but most of all, I was their own personal Pastor. I had been the one that introduced them 19 years before and wanted to do whatever I could to help them and to keep them in tune with God. I listened many times as they tearfully told me things that had gone unconfessed for years, and expressed their commitment to staying together due to their love for each other and for the good of their son. There were also many times that I was able to comfort a frightened 12 year old as he came to me in tears, fearful that his parents were going to get a divorce. In helping them to keep their faith in God, they helped rebuild mine. I wouldn't trade my time with them for anything.

Over the last year, I have slowly rebuilt what I have lost. I now have a vehicle again, that was given to me by a member of the Church. I have a job that is much better than the one that I lost. I also have a great apartment that is half the cost of the one I left. Although I couldn't envision it in the beginning, God has truly brought me through the rain and blessed me in the process.

I know now that although things looked pretty bleak, that God had a greater plan for me. God placed me where He needed me, the whole time teaching me about faith and trust in Him. He also brought me and my Cousin, along with her Husband, into a much closer friendship with each other. I have no doubt that God's hand was on my life every step of the way.

No matter what you are going through, always put your faith and trust in the Lord. When the skies darken and the storm clouds roll in, Praise the Lord anyway because "all things work together for good...". There is a purpose to everything that comes up in our lives. Place all your cares on Him and He will part those clouds with His love.

Turn to God, and He will take you places and teach you wonderful things that you can't even imagine.

Looking across the field ...

Looking across the field August 1980
Originally uploaded by tymark28.

A view across the field on the old farm out in the country that I grew up on. I took this picture in 1980, two years before we moved to town. The tree in the foreground is a Persimmon tree that I used to love to climb and that I played under many days with my Matchbox cars that I bought at Woolsworth. This field had wild Blackberrys growing in it. My Grandma and I used to go out their sometimes and pick them so that she could make a Blackberry cobbler. I can still remember exactly how good it tasted. The farmhouse was old and drafty, but was home for 18 years to my Parents, my Grandma (on my Dad's side), myself, my Sister, and both of my Brothers. Now, 24 years later, this is all an "upscale" subdivision. The farmhouse was torn down several years after we moved and the peacefulness of this wonderful place is completely gone. I miss the old place. Sometimes memories are great, but they just add to the sadness. Out of the seven people that were there, only 3 of us are left. My Grandmother died back in 1985. My Mom passed away back in 1993, and my Dad passed away back in February. I lost my Sister to Cancer back in 2001. Unfortunately, my Brothers and I are so busy these days, that we don't get much of a chance to talk. But when we do, the subject of the "old homeplace" will come up, and we will trade stories and memories of growing up out in the country. I can't say that I would want to do it all again, but I sure do miss it sometimes.

Actually, it just occurred to me that I need to tell my Brothers that I love them.