One for the road ...

I have thought very deeply about what I wanted to put in the last post on my site. I have probably rewritten this a couple of dozen times already, but I have finally came up with my final version. I have decided that since this is a “goodbye” of sorts, I would write about some of the defining goodbyes of my life. Of course, goodbyes are never easy, but within every final moment with someone, there is an opportunity to grow beyond where you are and mature through your grief.

Mama – My goodbye to her was when she passed away back in 1993 in our local hospital. As she lay there taking her last breaths on this side of eternity, I held her hand, moistening her skin with the tears that were flowing from my eyes. During those moments, I could not imagine life continuing for any of us without the person that had managed to keep us all together. But Mama slowly and quietly stepped away, turned back for one last look, and went on to a far better place. I miss her, but through her death and my grief came much needed growth and maturity for me.

Kaye – Our goodbye was a quick hug and a promise to “see you tonight” as we put away our Choir robes away after singing in the last morning service at Church. As she walked out the door that morning, I had no idea that I would never see her again. But a short time later, she was gone. This has been a very painful transition for me, but I continue to stay in the Choir and miss her standing there beside me. Through her sudden death and publicly sharing my grief has come a much closer walk with God and a deeper understanding of what death really is.

David – David was an old friend of mine from a different time in my life. He died in November of 2006 of AIDS, but since I didn’t hang out with any of my old friends anymore, I didn’t know it until this past January. David was a wonderful person on the inside and really wanted to change his life, he just lacked the ability to do it. When I visited his grave the first time, I couldn’t help but to wonder if he had the opportunity to change before he died. But mainly, I stood there and grieved for his death and wished that I could have been there to share Christ with him. I really don't know where he is. Through his death and my moments at his grave came a new found courage in letting go of the past.

Sherry - The night that my Sister passed away, I went to visit her in Hospice. As she lay there in the bed, I watched her try desperately to open her eyes and look at me, but she was unsuccessful. And so, in the quiet and low light of that room, I told her I love her, among other things, for what was the first time that I can recall saying it to her. I never quite understood God's timing for her death, but her nature and the way she wore this burden spoke volumes to all of us. Through her death came a much more intimate understanding of what childlike faith and pure humility really is.

And so we have reached the end and the time for this goodbye.

It seems strange and deeply saddening to think of there being some end to this facet of my life, to simply put this experience down and move on to the next thing, but I feel the hand and will of God gently guiding me along and I can do nothing but to follow. On a human level, it’s like taking an old friend to the train station and knowing you’ll never see them again. However, in order to grow and mature as Christians and as people, we must sometimes let things go. It is a fact of life that change is inevitable. Different paths and directions are a also a part of our Christian walk.

On the journey that I have taken this past 42 years on earth, I have learned that ultimately there is only one important thing, above and beyond everything else that we may encounter in our lives … and that is love. When you truly love another person, it can’t just be let go. However, It is something that, if we truly have it in our heart, will endure and go beyond the boundaries of this life. And if all else is failing around us, love can make it all alright. However, love is not just a feeling ... it is something far greater.

For me, it is a moment in time when I thought my direction in life would never change, and a look into a woman’s eyes from across a table altered my reality. Within that brief gaze was my instantaneous realization of what love really was and the first and only time in my life that I have ever truly felt it for someone. I realized that there was a part of me beyond the boundaries of what I believed about who I was, and that singular event set into motion the change of direction that would eventually lead me to Christ. It was a defining moment in my life and (as some close to me can tell you) is still just as relevant to my personality and choices right now.

When you really love somebody, it is forever. Love is more than a physical or mental action for us. Love is an emotion without boundaries and is purity from our hearts. Its presence has a cleansing effect on our lives and in our spirits. When it is real, it is just as powerful and defining after many years as it was when we first felt it.

True and boundless love is what Christ felt for each one of us the day the he died on the cross. He saw beyond all of our hurts and faults, and found a reason to die ... for nothing more than love for us. That volume of love is incredible to me and I am so very humbled by His unselfishness. I cannot imagine ever turning back.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." - John 3:16

I love all of you, but it's time for me to go. I'll see you when we get home. I wish you peace and love for your own journey.

"Thank you, Lord, for giving me this time to be here and for allowing me to share you with others. I love you so much.

Amen."