When all is said and done ...

Well, it's been one month since my Cousin, April, passed away suddenly of a massive stroke. I keep trying to put it all together in my mind, but I find myself unable to simply grasp the entire reality that she is gone. The days move along and I suppose that somewhere in the back of my mind I am still waiting for my cell phone to ring with that ridiculous ringtone with the dramatic music that I picked out for her ... "Oh no! It's April calling! What does she want?! What does she want?!!". I can't seem to find the ability to remove her number from my phone. I suppose that I am holding onto some residual hope left over from her final moments on life support. It seems ridiculous as I write this, and yet my phone remains next to me ... untouched.

There are a million things that I could write about April. Her life was a mixture of many different elements, both good and bad, that made her into the complex individual that she was. And it was the life that she had experienced, with it's disappointments mixed with middle age, that made her choose to live the final days of her life courageously facing her future as an individual with only God and herself to answer to. Two days before she collapsed onto her bedroom floor, she bravely embraced the possibilities that existed beyond where she was in  life by packing her belongings into her Dodge Caravan and going home. Things had changed over the 28 years since she had left, and her Mother wouldn't be there to greet her when she came back, but it was home...  God had blessed her with this second chance, her Dad was there, and that was all that mattered.

Two days before she died, her Son, Ricky, and I went out early to help her pack her van. She had carefully and selectively packed things that she knew that she would need for now. In the beginning, we were uncertain that we get all of the boxes into her vehicle, but when we were finished, the van was perfectly packed and each box had it's place; with no room for another thing. When we finished and it was a certainty that she was leaving, she embraced Ricky and me. With a flood of tears flowing between all of us, she told us both how much she would miss us. As I held her, I cried with the thought that things would never be the same. She was growing up and would never again be that little girl with big hopes and dreams that had been in my life for 48 years. It was day one of the rest of her life. And as we drove down the road, the world felt different for me.

Four days later, As I stood in a back hall of the Hospital seeing her for the last time before she was taken for organ donation surgery, 48 years of memories, laughs, and tears flooded my mind. Truthfully, the entire event had been an emotional overload for me. As I looked down at her, there was a part of me that acknowledged that there was a purpose in this loss and that God is ultimately in control of it all. As the Doctors and Nurses pushed her onto the elevator and the doors closed, the weight of no longer being able to share anything with her landed squarely on my shoulders, but I knew that she was finally where she wanted to be: with her Savior that she had tried so long to serve and the Mother that she missed so much.

I could sit down and spill a million things about April's life and what she has experienced, many things that I alone know about. In each of our lives there are an abundance of moments that aren't necessarily good or pleasant, things that we would just as soon forget, and it was no different for April. However, I choose to put all of the bad aside and to focus on the good. As it is with all of us, April wasn't perfect. There were things that she did and said that weren't always positive. I but I know that ultimately, deep down inside, April was still an innocent and caring little girl looking and longing for unconditional love, and trying to find happiness along the way. Despite her imperfections, I have found that forgiveness and acceptance are the two best things that I can extend to her memory, and the things that help me to remember how wonderfully fun and loving that she really was.

I have learned that when someone dies, and everything is all said and done, it is the little things, those little imperfections and habits that you mentally catalog with all of the good memories that help you to remember what a wonderfully unique person they were ... unlike anyone else that you have ever known... and that make you thankful to God that you were able to share the planet with them during your lifetime.

I never considered April merely my First Cousin, I loved her as my Sister and my best friend... I miss her. I can't even begin to tell you what I will do without her.

One for the road ...

I have thought very deeply about what I wanted to put in the last post on my site. I have probably rewritten this a couple of dozen times already, but I have finally came up with my final version. I have decided that since this is a “goodbye” of sorts, I would write about some of the defining goodbyes of my life. Of course, goodbyes are never easy, but within every final moment with someone, there is an opportunity to grow beyond where you are and mature through your grief.

Mama – My goodbye to her was when she passed away back in 1993 in our local hospital. As she lay there taking her last breaths on this side of eternity, I held her hand, moistening her skin with the tears that were flowing from my eyes. During those moments, I could not imagine life continuing for any of us without the person that had managed to keep us all together. But Mama slowly and quietly stepped away, turned back for one last look, and went on to a far better place. I miss her, but through her death and my grief came much needed growth and maturity for me.

Kaye – Our goodbye was a quick hug and a promise to “see you tonight” as we put away our Choir robes away after singing in the last morning service at Church. As she walked out the door that morning, I had no idea that I would never see her again. But a short time later, she was gone. This has been a very painful transition for me, but I continue to stay in the Choir and miss her standing there beside me. Through her sudden death and publicly sharing my grief has come a much closer walk with God and a deeper understanding of what death really is.

David – David was an old friend of mine from a different time in my life. He died in November of 2006 of AIDS, but since I didn’t hang out with any of my old friends anymore, I didn’t know it until this past January. David was a wonderful person on the inside and really wanted to change his life, he just lacked the ability to do it. When I visited his grave the first time, I couldn’t help but to wonder if he had the opportunity to change before he died. But mainly, I stood there and grieved for his death and wished that I could have been there to share Christ with him. I really don't know where he is. Through his death and my moments at his grave came a new found courage in letting go of the past.

Sherry - The night that my Sister passed away, I went to visit her in Hospice. As she lay there in the bed, I watched her try desperately to open her eyes and look at me, but she was unsuccessful. And so, in the quiet and low light of that room, I told her I love her, among other things, for what was the first time that I can recall saying it to her. I never quite understood God's timing for her death, but her nature and the way she wore this burden spoke volumes to all of us. Through her death came a much more intimate understanding of what childlike faith and pure humility really is.

And so we have reached the end and the time for this goodbye.

It seems strange and deeply saddening to think of there being some end to this facet of my life, to simply put this experience down and move on to the next thing, but I feel the hand and will of God gently guiding me along and I can do nothing but to follow. On a human level, it’s like taking an old friend to the train station and knowing you’ll never see them again. However, in order to grow and mature as Christians and as people, we must sometimes let things go. It is a fact of life that change is inevitable. Different paths and directions are a also a part of our Christian walk.

On the journey that I have taken this past 42 years on earth, I have learned that ultimately there is only one important thing, above and beyond everything else that we may encounter in our lives … and that is love. When you truly love another person, it can’t just be let go. However, It is something that, if we truly have it in our heart, will endure and go beyond the boundaries of this life. And if all else is failing around us, love can make it all alright. However, love is not just a feeling ... it is something far greater.

For me, it is a moment in time when I thought my direction in life would never change, and a look into a woman’s eyes from across a table altered my reality. Within that brief gaze was my instantaneous realization of what love really was and the first and only time in my life that I have ever truly felt it for someone. I realized that there was a part of me beyond the boundaries of what I believed about who I was, and that singular event set into motion the change of direction that would eventually lead me to Christ. It was a defining moment in my life and (as some close to me can tell you) is still just as relevant to my personality and choices right now.

When you really love somebody, it is forever. Love is more than a physical or mental action for us. Love is an emotion without boundaries and is purity from our hearts. Its presence has a cleansing effect on our lives and in our spirits. When it is real, it is just as powerful and defining after many years as it was when we first felt it.

True and boundless love is what Christ felt for each one of us the day the he died on the cross. He saw beyond all of our hurts and faults, and found a reason to die ... for nothing more than love for us. That volume of love is incredible to me and I am so very humbled by His unselfishness. I cannot imagine ever turning back.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." - John 3:16

I love all of you, but it's time for me to go. I'll see you when we get home. I wish you peace and love for your own journey.

"Thank you, Lord, for giving me this time to be here and for allowing me to share you with others. I love you so much.

Amen."

A man called "Daddy"

I have written twice about my Father since I began this website, but I have never really opened up about his death and I feel that the time has come to clear some things up and let some things go. It has taken me a while to write this, not just in terms of time, but also in terms of emotions. It is also very honest and shows my human side. This is probably going to be the most honest that I have ever been, but I am ready to open up and move beyond this in my life.

"A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance, But by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken." - Proverbs 15:13

This verse says so much about being conflicted ...

"Do not have two differing weights in your bag—one heavy, one light. Do not have two differing measures in your house—one large, one small. You must have accurate and honest weights and measures, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you." - Deuteronomy 25:13-15

When Daddy died, I didn’t really know how to react. There had been so many problems with our relationship, and I had experienced so many different emotions toward him. I knew that I was sorry that he had died and that we had never developed the kind of relationship that we should have, but I wasn’t necessarily flooded with regret. I really didn’t know what to feel. There was a sincere sadness inside my heart upon seeing the empty shell of my Father lying there that first night at the funeral home: our first time seeing his body. Within me arose the wish that we could go back and make up for lost time. However, I emotionally realized and fully accepted the fact that he was gone and that a chapter of my life had ended.

My Brothers, on the other hand, were inconsolable and comforted each other with hugs and tears. I stood there, staring at the casket and the man lying in it, alone. He was my Father, too, and yet everyone in the room at that moment noticed the gulf that had formed between the two of them and me. I did not have any intentions of validating my manner of grief with them. It was mine alone, and I would have to deal with it. While they comforted each other, I would let them have their moment.

My lack of deep, profound grief was a two-sided story, though. First of all, I had no doubt in my mind as to where Daddy was going when he died. I knew that his heart was right with God and that he was headed for Heaven. I knew this simply because he had grieved so much over our Mother and wanted so badly to see her again. The people that knew my Father from Church had not seen the side of him that we had; the part of him that was buried with Mama. I also knew that if God could forgive me for the things that I have done, God could certainly forgive my Father. If nothing else, Daddy was sincere in his belief in God.

Secondly, Daddy and I had never met on common emotional ground. We didn’t get along for many years and the words “I love you” were never spoken. We just didn’t see eye to eye, and after my very rocky childhood relationship with him, we never really got to know each other. At best, we had become friends before he died. As Daddy got older, I figured that he didn’t know how to meet me in the middle so that we could truly have a Father and Son relationship. I think that we both eventually developed an acceptance of each other. It was enough for the both of us.

In what had been as nothing more than a moment in time when my Brothers acted as if I could not have possibly felt what they were feeling, were volumes of my life laid out for everyone in the room to see that night. That singular incident said more to those people than I would ever be able to express. I was excluded on most of the proceedings surrounding his death, my assistance or input not having been solicited. However, I did not permit myself to simply collapse beneath them, much as I had so many times when I was young. I will also not allow myself to be overtaken by resentment. God is giving me the opportunity to forgive and move on, and that is what I am doing as I write this.

The truth is that no one could have possibly felt what I was feeling. My grief was not based on how much time he and I had spent together, but on how much time we had spent apart. I stood there having to deal with and pray over 40 years of emotion, and having to find forgiveness ... not just for Daddy, but for myself.

"Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven." - Matthew 18:21-22

"A foolish son is a grief to his father, And bitterness to her who bore him." - Proverbs 17:25

Before I left that night, with one last look at Daddy lying there in his suit, I realized just how far I had come and the degree of growth that I had experienced in simply being there to close out this chapter of my life. No one will ever fully understand what the volume of my emotions and experiences have done to make me who I am. Within my spirit ... my soul ... was age and maturity despite what anyone may have thought that night. I felt as if I had lived two lifetimes as I walked away from that casket.

Through my trials of growing up with him came more emotion, love, hate, joy, anger, and words than could be felt by anyone that had ever been around him. We were like fire and gasoline most of the time. He was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the hardest person to get along with that I had ever known, and yet, the easiest person to feel a kinship with ... inside our hearts, we were so much alike. I had hated and loved him, all at the same time, most of my life. I had been angry with him to the point of wanting to hit him, and to grab him and say “I love you” in the same moment.

Although I don't have many of his possessions, God in His wonderful way of showing us things, decided to leave me with traits and mannerisms that helped to make Daddy who he was. When I look in the mirror, I see him staring back at me as I look at my frame and manner of standing. And when I speak, I hear his voice. However, as I sit here opening up and releasing this part of my life, the tears in my eyes are mine.

Actually, I am glad to have this opportunity to get this out of my system. Sometimes, Even as Christians, we have to truly break down the walls of hurt so that God can get in there fix it. God will never force us to let Him in ... it is our choice. The Lord has had so many "messes" within me to clean up, but the Lord is always there to repair the damage. And He has.

For many years, I have struggled to grow as a person beneath the weight of my memories of a man called "Daddy". I can honestly say, at 42, that I love him. I can't wait to get to Heaven to see him so I can tell him face to face.

This writing is the best thing that I have ever done for myself ... and for him.

"For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote to you, with many tears, not that you should be grieved, but that you might know the love which I have so abundantly for you." - 2 Corinthians 2:4

I am finally a man.

Grandma's little white cup ...

"The memory of the righteous will be a blessing ..." - Proverbs 10:7(NIV)

There are very few subjects that I have failed to address here and few people in my life that haven't been mentioned, but my Grandmother has been one of those. It wasn't because she meant less to me, but she is a part of my life that is buried very deeply within my heart. It is also something that I haven't really talked to anyone about until now. The truth is that Grandma and her great faith taught me much and her memory affects me to this day.

When I was little, Grandma took care of me. My parents both worked everyday so that left me in her care most of the time. Although I only have misty memories of him, my Grandfather died when I was quite young. That event resulted in Grandma living with us in our drafty old farmhouse that we lived in. Within her bedroom was an ancient bed and dresser; the right side of the bed containing my Grandfather's pillow that remained on the bed. She told me once that it was "his side of the bed" and "his pillow", and that she didn't sleep there because of that. She missed him.

By the time I reached the age of seven, my siblings (all older than me) were sixteen at the youngest and were already giving in to teenage pursuits. Basically, Grandma was the most important person in my life ... the one I talked to, spent time with, and that watched after me. I loved her unconditionally and she could do no wrong in my eyes.

Grandma is the one that is actually responsible for my coffee-drinking habits. Grandma's coffee of choice was Sanka. Of course, she never drank it black; she would "fix it" with cream and sugar. With it's sweetness, It was probably closer to being a dessert than an actual cup of coffee. When I was little, she would occasionally give me a sip of coffee from her little coffee cup. The cup was old and white, with the word "VICTOR" imprinted on the bottom. She told me that she "started keeping house with the set of dishes that cup came from." I could only imagine how old the cup actually was, but it was her cup and she used it every morning.

Along with her coffee, she would have her customary breakfast that consisted of one fried egg, her coffee that she warmed on the stove in a little tin pot, and one slice of burnt toast. Every morning, Grandma burned her toast in the toaster and stood over the trash can scraping off the burned part with a butter knife. Almost every morning, Daddy would walk into the kitchen and say the same thing, "Mama, why don't you make yourself some more toast?!!" Every time she would smile and reply the same way, "this is alright. I'm just gonna scape off the 'burnt'."

As the years moved along, Grandma grew older and more unable to take care of herself. One day, when I was about 15, I was sitting in the living room watching TV during my summer break from school. All of a sudden, I heard a thud. I walked into the kitchen to find Grandma on the floor with her eyes closed. I didn't know what to think. I initially tried to wake her, but was unable to. After less than a minute, she began to open her eyes, and although I still don't know how I did it, I picked her up from the floor and stood her up at the counter. After becoming somewhat aware she asked me, "What am I doing here? Why is my arm hurting?" Inside of me, I knew that something was seriously wrong. She had obviously had a light stroke and had, in her fall, broken her arm.

What I didn't realize was that time was moving along and that things were never going to be the same again.

Within a short time, Daddy would place Grandma in a Nursing Home and my life would change forever. It didn't make any difference what my feelings were about her going away, it was deemed necessary. Suddenly, I was all alone in an empty house during the summer, and the love and joy that I felt when I was around her was gone. The house seemed empty and cold to me without her there. Although we went to visit her on the weekends, I missed her more than I could possibly express.

On a Sunday night in 1985, Grandma just went to sleep and drifted away. They told us later that she had a case of pneumonia and that had contributed to her death, but I always believed that she thought that it was just time to go. To know that she died alone is a painful realization.

That particular Sunday, my Dad and Mom had went to see her at the Nursing home, but I had decided not to go, thinking that she would be there the next Sunday. I was wrong, and she passed away that night. She had been there for me so many times and had shown me so much love, and yet I wasn't there for her. Because of my decision not to go that day, grieving was a long and painful process for me. It was very hard to move on emotionally. I really wanted the chance to say Goodbye to her, but she was gone.

Then, one night about two weeks after she died, I had a dream. In my dream, I was standing in the door of my old bedroom when Grandma appeared in front of me. With unbelief I told her, "but ... you're gone". She simply smiled and told me, "I just wanted to come back and see you, and I wanted to tell you Goodbye and that I love you." With eyes pouring tears, I threw my arms around her and apologized for not coming to see her that Sunday. I had been given one last chance to see her. The next day, I awoke ready to move on with my life ... and I have.

Her memory is something that I cherish. Her great faith in God is something that drives me to this day as I journey toward home. I remember very clearly that every night before lying down, she would sit on the edge of her bed and read the Bible that always sat next to it. I also remember seeing her praying and hearing her talking to God sometimes when she thought that no one was listening. I should be so lucky as to ever be as disciplined and as Godly as she was. She was truly a Saint.

The other day, I was looking through my cupboard when I came across her little white coffee cup; the same cup that she would give me tastes of coffee from. Of all of the material things that I have and have ever had, that little coffee cup means the most to me. Next to my Bible, it is the most important possession that I have. It serves a reminder to me of a person's unconditional love for me and a simpler time when happiness was just simply a sip from Grandma's little white cup.

Down to the wire ...

"Here is my annual post for the New Year, with some slight modifications to make it more timely." - Mark

New Year's resolutions have become a part of my life and a regular year-end activity with several people that I know. And the breaking of these resolutions have become a tradition with all of us. It is always nice to think that with the next year we are going to lose that 20 or more pounds that we need to lose, that we are going to save money, or that we are going to just change our attitudes. Unfortunately, the flesh is weak and before we know it, we are right back to where we were.

This year, I have decided to take a biblical approach to this, and with God's help I believe that we can be what God would have us to be. For the next year I resolve to:

1. Not be judgmental of others: "Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way" - Romans 14:13

2. Pray for those that persecute me or cause me trouble: "But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you." - Luke 6:27

3. Tithe so that I can bless others, and so that God can bless me: "Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, That there may be food in My house, And try Me now in this,"Says the LORD of hosts, "If I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it." - Malachi 3:10

4. Not become consumed with money and possessions: "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." - Luke 12:34

5. Give and be generous to those in need: "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” - Luke 6:38

6. Read my Bible: "So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God." - Romans 10:17

7. Take better care of my body: "Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's." - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

8. Share the love of God with those around me that need to hear: "I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile." - Romans 1:16

9. Spend time with God in prayer on a daily basis: "Continue earnestly in prayer, being vigilant in it with thanksgiving;" - Collosians 4:2

10. Endure the trials that come upon me knowing that God is enriching my life: "For the earth which drinks in the rain that often comes upon it, and bears herbs useful for those by whom it is cultivated, receives blessing from God;" - Hebrews 6:7

In closing let me just say that my primary goal for 2007 is draw closer to God. I have learned that there is no better place to be. When I am with Him, all of my problems just fade away. When things start to get bad, our faith slips, and our resolutions to be better Christians start to fade away, we have to remember that God is preparing us for our place in his Kingdom. 1 Kings 6:7 says,

"In building the temple, only blocks dressed at the quarry were used, and no hammer, chisel or any other iron tool was heard at the temple site...".

Through our sufferings, we are honed and shaped to better serve Him when we get home.

And as we rapidly approach the rapture, I can't wait!

Have a BLESSED NEW YEAR!

A new appreciation for the Christmas story

"And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.

And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:) To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.

And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.

And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds.

But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.

And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them." - Luke 2:1-20

I have always believed that the most beautiful story in the world is the story of Christ's birth as told in the King James version of the Bible. The language used to describe this blessed night make this one of the most memorable events of the Bible; even for non-believers. I find it both saddening and frustrating that there is such a negative feeling toward this story today. The wonderful gift of God in the birth of His only Son is so beautiful and incredible to me.

Most people tend to focus on the Baby Jesus and the three wise men when speaking of this story, but I have a new found respect for the much too overlooked shepherds. I find it to be very enlightening that an Angel came to the shepherds to announce the birth of Christ to the world. In those days, shepherds were viewed in much the same manner that the homeless are viewed by our society today. To the Egyptians, shepherds were an abomination (Genesis 46:43). The Shepherds weren't like the ones that you see in these Christmas plays; dressed in fine linens, with a turban on their head, and $50 sandals on their feet. In reality they were dirty, dressed in the same old wraps that they had worn for ages, possibly even barefoot, sitting on the ground, watching over sheep on a cold night, hoping that yet another sheep would not be taken by wolves or some other animal. I think that it is important that we try to look into God's reasoning behind telling the most important news ever told to a couple of lowly shepherds.

They, no doubt, lived a very meager existence and basically survived the best way that they could. Think about the condition of their hearts that would allow them to be the first to hear of the Saviour's birth. With their lives, in all it's simplicity, being void of material goods, you could believe that they had many times thought of their hopeless state and wished on those cold nights that things were different, but I believe that they humbly accepted their purpose in the world; watching over and protecting their sheep. I can imagine them sitting in the grass praying to God with all humility for yet another night of safety for themselves and their flocks. To them, it was just another cold night in the field.

Can you imagine how they felt when, while sitting quietly in a field in the dead of night, suddenly "the glory of the Lord" surrounds them in it's light? The Bible states that they were "sore afraid", or terrified. I have no doubt that they were quite shaken by this sudden appearance of an Angel of God. It was an event that would forever change their perception of their lives and what eternity held.

After the Angel announced the birth of Christ, the bible says that there was "a multitude of the Heavenly host praising God". The Amplified Bible calls them "an army of the troops of heaven (a heavenly knighthood)". I can only guess exactly what the Shepherds looked up and saw with their tired, earthly eyes, But what a wonderful thing it would have been to look up and behold countless Angels all singing praises to God!

The Shepherds then went and found the one who was born to die, a precious little lamb wrapped in fabric, peacefully sleeping in a feeding trough. That night, two thousand years ago, hopelessness found hope.

As I was driving along in Atlanta the other day, prayerfully considering what I was going to write today, "Come let us adore him" came on the radio and I began to sing softly. As I began into an interchange, the Lord reminded me of the Shepherds. He spoke to my heart, reminding me that the Angels didn't go to a Prince, a King or Queen, or the deeply religious to announce the birth of His Son, but to a couple of shepherds; dirty, plain, and without ... And that they were to see the Baby Jesus before anyone else.

As I rounded a curve to get onto the interstate, the Lord led me to look off to the left. Under a bridge, covered in dirty blankets was a couple of homeless men, lying on the ground and trying to stay warm in the cold morning air ... reminding me of the shephards that God spoke to that night so long ago.

And as I turned back to face the road, the Spirit of God enveloped my heart and opened it. With tears pouring from my eyes, the real meaning of Christmas came into focus as I humbly and tearfully asked God to forgive me for not being thankful for what I have and for what He has done for me. Christ is the greatest gift ever given and nothing we have can ever repay His sacrifice.

Christmas isn't about the gifts we give or receive, the food we eat, or the Christmas tree. It isn't about where we live, the clothes we wear, or the money we spend. The greatest gift that we will ever receive is eternity through God's gift of Jesus Christ, his only Son. And it is up to us to share that Gift with those that need it ... To bring hope to the hopeless. There is a whole world out there that needs it.

God bless you and Merry Christmas.

In the company of an Angel ... reflections one year later.

"Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes." - Luke 12:23 (NIV)

"For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." - Phillipians 1:21 (NKJV)

The other day as I listened to a Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir CD as they sang "In The Presence of Jehovah", it occurred to me that it has been almost one year since Ms. Kay was killed in a car accident. As the song played and the tears poured from my eyes, I remembered that song as the one our Choir sang that morning. I recall looking over at her that morning and seeing her lifting her hands in praise as we sang. Little did I know that would be the last time that I would get to stand next to her on this side of Heaven. And what a wonderful memory to have of her.

That Sunday morning, my intentions were to leave the Choir for the Christmas holidays. I wanted to take some time to think about resigning. I had discussed it with Kay and she had told me to pray about it and to make sure that God was leading me to do it. She told me repeatedly that she just didn't believe that I was supposed to leave the Choir, and that she didn't want me to quit.

After giving a hug to Ms. Kay that morning in the Choir room after our performance and telling her goodbye, I went out to the Church Cafe' to finish my duties out there and to go home. As I cleaned up the area and straightened the tables, a little boy of around nine years old appeared over along the fencing. He was someone that I had never seen before. His demeanor was filled with humility and innocence.

As I noticed him, he asked me where the restroom was and if I would watch his Bible and the dollar bill that he brought for tithing. I told him to go ahead, and to put them on the table and I would be glad to watch them. When he walked around the corner, I noticed his little white Gideons Bible that someone had given him and the crumpled dollar bill that he had grasped so tightly.

After a minute or two he reappeared from around the corner and began to speak.

"You're in the Choir aren't you?" he asked.

"Yes I am."

"I want to be in the Choir someday. You wanna hear me sing?"

"Sure," I said as I put down my towel and went over to him. As he started to sing, out of his mouth came a pure, sweet, angelic voice singing "Jesus loves me". As he sang, emotion swelled into my throat at the purity of what I was hearing. I was so taken by this event that I didn't know what to say at first. When he finished he asked me if I thought he could sing. All that I could manage to say was "yeah ... You sing really good."

"You sing it," he said, "so that I can hear you sing."

"Alright" was my reply as my tired voice stumbled through the song with a version that paled in comparison to the sweetness of his.

"That was real good," he said while looking directly at me, "You sing real good. No wonder you're in the Choir. I wish that I could sing like that."

With that, he looked directly at me, smiled, and told me "bye" and that he was going into the sanctuary to sit down with his family. He began to walk toward the far set of doors as I turned to pick up my towel to finish. As I turned back to watch him walk in, he was gone and I haven't seen him again. That morning, as I stood there and God taught me yet another lesson, Kay was spending her last moments on this side of Heaven.

Since that day, I haven't really discussed what happened. Up to this point, I have only told a couple of people. The truth is that I don't always understand why things happen as they do, and I am sure that there is a much deeper meaning in it than I have yet discovered. The one thing that became crystal clear to me, though, was that my place in the Choir was more than a choice ... it was a calling. And I knew that God wanted me there … regardless of how I feel or where I sit.

I am sure that as time goes along I will get clarity in God's intentions that morning, in understanding a song from a humble and innocent child, and in God's decision to take away my best friend that same morning.

It has been a long year and Kay's memory has stuck with me. There is never a day when I don't think of her. I miss her just as much today as I did the day she left. It was her determination to keep me in the Choir that continues to keep me there today. And as we sing some of her favorites, I long to have her standing there beside me, praying for me, laughing with me, and giving me the courage to continue to stand up on Sunday Mornings and sing to a God that doesn't hear the imperfections in my vocal chords, but the praise that comes from my heart.

And there is truly so much praise inside of me for the Lord and his gift in sharing an Angel named Kay with me.

Somewhere far away, Kay is part of Heavenly Choir that is forever singing the praises of our wonderful Savior. And I just know that when I get there, she will be saving the seat beside her just for me.

My journey continues ...

"While I work on my new article, here is a repost, by request, from October 2004" - Mark

"Whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. - James 4:14 (NKJV)

"You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath. Selah." - Psalm 39:5 (NIV)

Dwayne was a friend of mine long before I became a Christian. We went to school together and were friends. Within 6 years of our graduation from High School, he was dead. He died from AIDS long before a lot of us even knew what it was. He was gay, and a drug user. He became infected with the HIV virus through sharing a dirty needle. His lifestyle and choices lead him to his grave long before he should have been there. His death came as a shock to me when it happened. I felt a lot of sorrow deep inside of me as I came to terms with his death. At the time, I was still exploring my own life and destiny and could not grip what it all meant.

Life is so short. It is hard to believe that it has been that long since he died. It is also hard to believe that I turned 40 this year. I thank God everyday that I was able to make it this far. Over the years, before I became a Christian, I saw a lot of my friends die from AIDS. Many of them died believing the lie that there was either nothing after death or that to just be associated with the idea of God was enough. The hardest thing that I live with these days is the knowledge that a lot of my friends died without knowing Christ as their Saviour. I wish that I could go back in time and fix it, but it is much too late. Of course, I would like to think that shortly before some of them took their last breath that they gave their hearts to Christ. That is my prayer.

Today as I came back from a short road trip with my job, I stopped by the cemetary to visit Dwayne's grave. I have visited it several times over the years, but this was the first time that I had been there as a Christian. As I stood there at the grave, I spoke to him ... somehow wishing that he could hear me. "Dwayne," I said, "We were all wrong ... all of us. We lived our lives without any forethought as to the consequences of our actions and without any thought of God. Luckily, The Lord lead me through and I am still here. But you're not ...... I miss you and I wish that you were here." I stood, staring for a moment. "Dwayne," I said, "I'm not coming back here anymore to visit you. It's time to move on in my life and leave all of this behind me once and for all. Your grave is a reminder of another time and place, before I gave my life to Christ and He changed me. I just hope that when I get to Heaven that I find out that in the fleeting moments of your life, you gave your life to Christ. I hope I see you there." With one last look, I got back in my car and left. It was time to go.

Life is really short. I can't change the lives that are gone, but I can be here to tell others what Christ has done for me. He altered my existence and rescued me from a life of misery and alcohol. Words cannot fully express the difference that He has made in my life. I love Christ with all of my heart and could not ever repay what he has done for me. As for death, I am not afraid of it. I want nothing more than to spend eternity with Him, but there is too much to do here ... too many people that are where I was that need to hear about God's amazing power and love.

My journey continues.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you.

One journey ends ... Another begins.

"As for man, his days are like grass; As a flower of the field, so he flourishes. For the wind passes over it, and it is gone, And its place remembers it no more. But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him ..." - Psalm 103:15-17

God gave me that verse last week, but I didn't completely understand why. My life tends to be so busy and involved these days, that I didn't take the time to really meditate on it as I should have. However, today the verse is very clear and means a great deal to me.

I don't always understand why God does the things that He does. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." We can know that no matter how unthinkable something may be that occurs within our lives, God is in control and it is yet another step for us to take in maturing as Christians. Sometimes God allows people to come into our lives, for short periods of time, that not only become a part of our existence, but that impact us in such a way as to forever alter our hearts and the way we live our lives. That's where this begins.

Ms. Kay was, for sometime, just a nice old grey-haired lady that sat next to me in Choir. We began speaking to each other when she first moved into the seat next to me. She lamented about being a female tenor and the identity problems that came with it. She told me many times that although she didn't sing that well, she felt the calling of the Lord to be in the Choir. She proved to me over and over again the dedication she had to doing God's will in her life by showing up for every rehearsal and performance for months on end. Her attendance was an example to us all.

As time wore on, we talked about our lives and all of the things in them. She talked frequently of her cats, whom she loved with all of her heart. Before I got a kitten of my own, she gave me a small, metal sculpture of a Orange-striped cat that she had picked up at the Hallmark store, telling me "that can be your cat until you get a real one." It is sitting on my nightstand right now. When I finally got a cat of my own, she couldn't have been happier for me. We both lived alone and our pets provided love and entertainment for us when we were at home.

We talked endlessly about our lives, our financial problems, and our families. We found that we had a great deal of things in common. As the months progressed, we shared our lives as best friends do and prayed daily for each other. She became an important part of my life, telling me that I was her "adopted son". I began to call her "Mama Kay". If I was not at rehearsal or in a performance for any number of reasons, she would tell me later that she was worried about me and that she was praying for me.

Ms. Kay also had quite a sense of humor. About a year or so ago, for several months of Sundays, she would scoot down in her seat in the Choir loft just so that, for the cameras, it would look like the bald-headed guy in front of us had a pile of curly white-gray hair on the very top of his head. It was truly funny and I had to struggle on several occasions to keep from laughing out loud. Thank goodness the gentleman that was the victim thought that it equally as funny. It became a ritual to watch the screens to see if she could do it.

I also enjoyed listening to her talk about her job. She was employed as a product demonstrator at Walmart. She had hundreds of funny stories about her demos, but the one that sticks out in my mind is the demonstration she did for Bounty paper towels. I laughed at her as she told me what a dreadful demo it was and how everyone that she tried to stop told her that they didn't like cleaning up messes at home, so why would they want to see her make one and clean it up at Walmart? She said that she was only able to get about five people to watch her over a four hour period, and that they only watched because they felt sorry for her. It was truly funny.

Yesterday, after we sang "In The Presence of Jehovah" for the second service at Church, we walked into the Choir robe room to hang our robes up. Afterward, she gave me a hug and told me "see you tonight". "Okay" was my reply, the same as every other Sunday. She walked up the hall for what would be the last time that I saw her.

At about 12:58, about an hour and a half after I last saw her, she was involved in a traffic accident and killed instantly. Suddenly, she was gone before I had the chance to share everything with her that I wanted to. Life is so short and there is no guarantee of tomorrow for any of us. I can only say that I will never again live my life the same way, and that I am happy for Kay; knowing that she is truly "in the presence of Jehovah".

I could sit here and tell you what a wonderful woman she was, but words could never fully express how I felt about her. I loved her as the dear friend that she was to me. She was the last thing that I thought about last night before going to sleep and the first thing I thought about this morning. I miss her.

There is a song by the Gaither Vocal Band that says:

"Knowing we can spend a lifetime reminiscing on the past ... Knowing I will see your face again where tender moments last ... It makes me want to go there, knowing I won't be alone ... Knowing you'll be there makes it easy to go home."

I have been on this Earth for 41 years and a lot people have come and gone. Although Ms. Kay occupied a relatively small portion of my life, she has made an immense difference through her friendship and prayers. And along with her death comes a profound effect on my Christian walk and a deeper understanding of God's word as it says that we are "like the grass; as a flower of the field."

And in this world full of weeds and thorns, Ms. Kay was a rose.

"Goodbye for now, Kay. I love you."

One last call home.

"Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who also has given us the Spirit as a guarantee. So we are always confident, knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord. For we walk by faith, not by sight." - 2 Corinthians 5:5-7 (NKJV)

My job provides me with a cell phone that they pay for. Because of my always being in the road, It is inevitable that I am going to use the phone for personal calls, and I had programmed it with all of the phone numbers that I needed for friends and family. The phone that I had was going bad and I began to have problems with it, so they provided me with a new one yesterday. I was happy to finally have a new phone, with a lot of new features, empty and ready to program. However, I had no idea of the long emotional bridge that I would cross because of it.

Sometimes, we come across things out of the clear blue that remind of us of a time gone by. And occasionally, of people and places that are long gone. I found myself confronting such an experience today.

I spent the afternoon programming all of the phone numbers that I needed into my new phone without even thinking about it ... Multiple business related numbers, my close friends, and many others. Shortly before I reached the end of the day, I began to clean out the old phone and erase the numbers out of it, eliminating some that I no longer needed and some that I had already taken care of. Then I came across it ... My Dad's name and phone number. Out loud in the office I told some of them that I had just come across it and that I felt bad about erasing it. They just looked at me with a sense of sympathy as I told them that I had just never taken it out and that I had never thought about it. It had never crossed my mind. I found myself being drowned with a deep sense of melancholy and excused myself from the room.

I walked into the Men's restroom and stood there for a minute just looking at myself in the mirror. Slowly, it overtook me and I broke down for the first time since my Dad died. In my mind I remembered that the number had always been our number at home. I had grown up with it. It was the one way that everyone in town that we knew could reach us. However, when Dad died, we just let the number go. I am not exactly sure why other than our need to just let it go.

As I stood there, trying desperately to pull myself together, I remembered Dad ... and home ... and Mama ... and a whole deluge of experiences. I realized that this little entry in a cell phone was my last attachment to it all and that it was now time to let it go and move on. I didn't really realize that it was still all inside of me until that moment. I wished that I could that I could take that cell phone, and place one last call to my family so that I could tell them just how much I love and miss them. Although I know that they are all in Heaven together, there is still that little something inside of me that wants them to be here beside me.

The Lord allows these sorts of experiences to draw us to him. Through our sadness and memories, we should remember all that we have been through in our lives and all that God has done for us. He has brought me so far from where I was. We should also seek his guidance and remember that beyond this world there is something much better to go to. Those family members that know him as their saviour will be there waiting when we get there.

As I sit here writing this through my tears, I pray for comfort and once again I can feel the Lord's loving arms wrap me in His love. The Lord is always there when I need him. In my moments of sorrow, when I feel like everything is caving in on top of me, He is there to comfort and guide me. He is my best friend. I tell him all of joys and my deepest secrets, and he whispers peace to me. Without Him there to lean on, I don't know what I would do.

As for the phone, I left Dad's number in it and put the phone back in my pocket as I walked back to the office. I wanted to hold on to it all for just one more day.

"Lord, help me let this go today and move on. It's just a number in a cell phone, but it carries so much of my life with it ... and so many people that I love. Lord, comfort me as I grow beyond this and keep those that are gone and memories of home fresh in my mind."

My journey continues ...

"Whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. - James 4:14 (NKJV)

"You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath. Selah." - Psalm 39:5 (NIV)

Dwayne was a friend of mine long before I became a Christian. We went to school together and were friends. Within 6 years of our graduation from High School, he was dead. He died from AIDS long before a lot of us even knew what it was. He was gay, and a drug user. He became infected with the HIV virus through sharing a dirty needle. His lifestyle and choices lead him to his grave long before he should have been there. His death came as a shock to me when it happened. I felt a lot of sorrow deep inside of me as I came to terms with his death. At the time, I was still exploring my own life and destiny and could not grip what it all meant.

Life is so short. It is hard to believe that it has been that long since he died. It is also hard to believe that I turned 40 this year. I thank God everyday that I was able to make it this far. Over the years, before I became a Christian, I saw a lot of my friends die from AIDS. Many of them died believing the lie that there was either nothing after death or that to just be associated with the idea of God was enough. The hardest thing that I live with these days is the knowledge that a lot of my friends died without knowing Christ as their Saviour. I wish that I could go back in time and fix it, but it is much too late. Of course, I would like to think that shortly before some of them took their last breath that they gave their hearts to Christ. That is my prayer.

Today as I came back from a short road trip with my job, I stopped by the cemetary to visit Dwayne's grave. I have visited it several times over the years, but this was the first time that I had been there as a Christian. As I stood there at the grave, I spoke to him ... somehow wishing that he could hear me. "Dwayne," I said, "We were all wrong ... all of us. We lived our lives without any forethought as to the consequences of our actions and without any thought of God. Luckily, The Lord lead me through and I am still here. But you're not ...... I miss you and I wish that you were here." I stood, staring for a moment. "Dwayne," I said, "I'm not coming back here anymore to visit you. It's time to move on in my life and leave all of this behind me once and for all. Your grave is a reminder of another time and place, before I gave my life to Christ and He changed me. I just hope that when I get to Heaven that I find out that in the fleeting moments of your life, you gave your life to Christ. I hope I see you there." With one last look, I got back in my car and left. It was time to go.

Life is really short. I can't change the lives that are gone, but I can be here to tell others what Christ has done for me. He altered my existence and rescued me from a life of misery and alcohol. Words cannot fully express the difference that He has made in my life. I love Christ with all of my heart and could not ever repay what he has done for me. As for death, I am not afraid of it. I want nothing more than to spend eternity with Him, but there is too much to do here ... too many people that are where I was that need to hear about God's amazing power and love.

My journey continues.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you.

The first day of the rest of my life

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." - Romans 5:1 (NIV)

In February of 2002, I was involved in a pretty bad car accident. It happened at a time in my life when I was smoking two packs of cigarettes a day, was an alcoholic, and spent my weekends doing anything and everything to have a good time. I was at the point of just accepting that my life was what it was and that I should do whatever I had to do to get through it. I couldn't face a day without alcohol and cigarettes. On the weekends, I was very promiscuous and very drunk.

It was a Thursday evening and I was anxious to get home. As I sat at a traffic light waiting for it to turn green so I could go, a car sped toward the rear bumper of my Mazda pickup. He had switched lanes thinking that he was simply getting around slow traffic. I glanced at my rear view mirror in time to catch him coming toward me at around 60 miles an hour. As I braced myself for a violent impact, my mind blanked. He hit me. The force of the impact instantly totaled the vehicle and pushed me ahead more than 20 feet into a truck that had just pulled off due to the light having just turned green. I don't remember the whole incident, but my head flew back hitting the window behind me and then quickly forward to strike the steering wheel. When the truck finally stopped I was in a daze and reached for my neck, fearing the worse. I had received a bad case of whiplash, with my Doctor telling me that I was lucky that my injuries were no worse than they were. I spent the next few months dealing with therapy and lawyers, all of which worked out with God's help.

About a month and a half after I had the accident, my Cousin invited me to her Church to see the Easter Presentation. I had seen it before and thought that it was very good, but it had never affected me. This time was different though. During one particular scene, after Christ's crucifixion, a single spotlight shone on the cross as He was removed and taken off stage. My heart opened up. Suddenly, it seemed as if there was no one else in the auditorium but me and God was all around me. I stared at the Cross as God spoke to my heart, saying "I did this for you. I've been watching over you through everything that has happened. I brought you here tonight because I love you." In the deep recesses of my heart, the walls of hurt crumbled as I realized that there was only one answer to my problems. I gave my heart, life, and existence to Him that night and have never looked back.

I look at my heart as a home. Through the many phases of my life, I had repainted the walls hundreds of times in an effort to find the right colors that would make me happy. I had redecorated with all sorts of things and built up room after room of clutter in my quest for peace and happiness. Memories, guilt, and experiences were piled up to the ceiling. One night in 2002, Christ knocked on the front door. In tears, I asked Him to please come inside and try to fix the mess that I had made. As his feet crossed the threshold and He stepped inside, my "home" was instantly transformed. What had taken me all of these years to mess up was repaired in an instant.

No matter how bad things are, there is hope. Giving your life to Christ is the ultimate answer to anything that you can possibly face. He can fix things that we think are hopeless. He can repair broken hearts, take away pain and replace it with peace, and change our existance if we will just allow him to come inside our hearts. I thank God for watching over me through everything that I have encountered. All of experiences have brought me to this point in my life ... and all of the adversity in my life gave me a greater appreciation for His love, forgiveness, and power when I finally surrendered my heart. If I look back a few years ago, I thought that my life was over. Today, I can't imagine ever feeling the way I felt and doing the things that I did in an effort to be happy.

And as I travel this road toward Heaven, my journey just gets better ...

A change of direction

"For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace." - Romans 8:5-6

In our lives, when we want to make positive changes, we have to change our mindset. We have to focus on God through all of our adversity and trust that He can pull us through anything. Sometimes, part of changing our mindset involves leaving behind those situations and friends that are contributing to the problem. We cannot remain carnally minded or have those kinds of influences in our lives and expect to find true peace and happiness in Christ.

When I gave my life to Christ, I had a sincere desire to change my existance. I left behind an entire culture and set of friends. It was necessary for me to do this in order to follow Christ. He changed my heart and mind completely and the desire to participate in such things went away. I was a foul-mouthed, cigarette smoking, alcoholic before He came into my heart. My whole life revolved around my friends, my beer, and keeping my head just barely above water ... to keep myself from drowning in a sea of depression and anger. He has given me a joy and peace that is far beyond my understanding, and I have no desire to ever return to my former life.

I am not going to say that I don't have bad days ... I am a human being. But all that I have to do clear my mind is to simply pray and focus my spiritual eyes on God.

Something that I learned through living my life is that there are plenty of people to contribute to your downfall, but no one around to help you stand up. I can remember all of the nights that I layed in bed feeling so alone and lost, even though I had a wealth of friends. My group of friends would go to the Clubs with me and we would party the weekends away. We would laugh and drink, and do whatever it took to have a good time. But, no matter how drunk I got or what I did, there was an emptiness ... a void in my heart and soul ... that no amount of partying, sex, or alcohol could fill. When I gave my life to Christ, all of the negative things were removed and my life was altered. He filled my heart with all of the peace that I have ever needed and more.

Are you having problems that seem insurmountable and you don't know where to turn? I've been there.
Are you suffering with depression so bad that you don't want to get out of bed and can't sleep? I've been there.
Are you headed toward an early grave because of your lifestyle? I've been there.
Are you doing whatever you can to escape and to numb your senses? I've been there.
Are you thinking about just killing yourself because you can't go on? I've been there, too.
I know that feeling of emptiness ... I have had it before.

Christ wants to be your best friend and give you love beyond any that you can experience here on earth. He loves you so much and wants to help you.

Talk to Him. He's listening.

Life with Father

"For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." - Matt. 6:14 (NKJV)

I was born as a change-of-life child to my parents. My Dad had settled into his family of three children that were all born close together; eight years before Mom became pregnant with me. My Sister and two Brothers were all born within a couple of years of each other, my sister being born first. That was a completion of my Dad's idea of a family. Suddenly, the rythym-method ceased to work and along I came. My Dad was less than thrilled about the prospect of having another child and made it obvious as I grew up.

During my childhood, because of the distance in ages between myself and my siblings, I spent a lot of time playing alone. When I was 10 years old, my youngest brother was already 18 and living his new-found adulthood. Gathering my Matchbox cars together, I would go out and play with them alone for hours. Sometimes, I would simply explore the old farmhouse that we lived in and imagine great adventures with playmates that I didn't have. My Mom, feeling overprotetive, didn't like any friend that happened to come over. She wanted to keep me away from the world.

My Dad, being the World War II veteran, only experienced two types of emotions: contentment and anger. Internally, he could not fully accept me. Outwardly, he was quickly angered by me and the ways that I conducted myself as a child. He was quick to take off his belt and whip me for simple childhood indescretions, and he could be verbally abusive at times; telling me that there must be something wrong with me. I tried in desperation to meet his expectations over my childhood and young adult years and to find some kind of close relationship with him, but it never happened.

In 1993, my Mom died from Cancer. It was very tramatic for me because she had always been there. I couldn't imagine her being gone. It took me quite a while to simply move on, but thankfully, she had accepted Christ before she died and I knew that she was alright. My Dad didn't deal with it so well and was suddenly thrust into life without her. He began to experience a lot of changes in his existance and the way that he saw the world. We all began to see a person that we didn't know and certainly didn't grow up with.

In 2001, I lost my Sister to Cancer also. We had became very close over a period of a few years before her death. I never realized what we had missed with each other until she nearly reached the end of her life. This event caused my Dad to further withdraw and to basically give up.

This year, In February, My Dad passed away. Despite all that we had been through with each other, we managed to at least be friends before he died. He had become a Christian after my Mom's death and had become a very gentle soul. We never had the chance to really catch up on all of the lost years, but I treasured the time that I had to simply be with him.

Jesus said that we should forgive others so that our Father in Heaven can forgive us ... and I did when I accepted Christ into my life and experienced the forgiveness that He offered me. I had a lot of issues with Dad, but God gave me a comfort and compassion far beyond any of the pain and tears that I had ever experienced. All of the anger that I had harbored for all of these years has simply went away.

Although I know that my Dad is where he wants to be ... walking across Heaven with my Mom and Sister ... I find myself wishing that we could have another lifetime to do it over ... the right way. I miss him.

Trusting for the impossible

You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. - I John 4:4 (NKJV)

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. - Romans 8:37 (NKJV)

The power that God has amazes me. It has taken me some time to learn it, but I know that God can literally alter your existence through prayer and faith. He has the power to change the reality of things that we believe are "unchangable". God has recently shown me what prayer and faith can do. Although it may be a very small thing to some, it changed my view of things.

I live in an older apartment complex right in the middle of downtown. Recently, I had been experiencing some issues with a new neighbor. He is young and is generally up all night. There are some nights when he has been up at 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning playing loud music or just being noisy in general without any regard for his neighbors. It can be very disturbing to me because the headboard of my bed is against the wall that seperates me from his living room.

When I began to talk to friends and aquaintances about my problem, they all began to tell me that I needed to call the Police. That is something that is not generally my style, but sounded reasonable. Some also told me that I should talk to the Landlord, which was considerably easier for me to accept doing since any action taken would have been initiated by him. Still, I wasn't completely comfortable with any of it.

After a particularly wonderful Sunday morning at Church (which occurred after an eventful night at home accompanied by very little sleep), I decided to put God to work for me. I began by laying hands on the wall behind my bed and asking for God's power to work in this situation. I prayed for God to move in mighty ways; for His spirit to inhabit my apartment and to move through the walls and invade my neighbors apartment. I ended by praying for my neighbor's salvation. I then took two pieces of paper, wrote out the verses for Romans 8:37 and 1John 4:4, and placed them on the wall seperating us. I concluded by rebuking Satan from my apartment in the name of Jesus and telling Him that He had no power over this situation and that according to God's word and assurance, I would no longer be disturbed by my neighbor. I acted on faith and have stood on it. Needless to say, God has moved in this situation and I have not been disturbed in the last month. I praise the Lord every day for this little blessing and the difference that it has made in my view of Him.

This simple little event has shown me what God is capable of doing if we simply trust in Him and act on faith. The bible says in Mark 10:27, "But Jesus looked at them and said, 'With men it is impossible, but not with God; for with God all things are possible.'" It has occurred to me that if God will do something so small to show His ability, what more can he do to change and alter our lives? He wants to bless and change us so that we can be a witness to a lost and dying world that He is able to make the impossible possible. And with faith and trust in Him, He can. Try Him ... you'll never be disappointed.

Loving all of your neighbors

"You have heard that it was said, "You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? - Matthew 5:43-46 (NKJV)

Everybody has had someone in their life that has done them wrong; someone that has used or abused them with no remorse or regret. Even years after the incident, the feelings of hurt that we have inside of us can continue to brew. When we are harboring anger and bad feelings toward someone, it affects our lives and how we interact with other people.

Earlier this year, my Dad passed away. We had a very troubled relationship over the years. Although I truly miss him, after his passing I began re-plowing old ground in our relationship. I realized that I was holding on to every problem we had as I was growing up. I still became angered and hurt at him, even after all of this time. As I reexamined my childhood, I began to remember things that I had long since forgotten. With every memory came a new flood of emotion.

After a time, I began to realize that there was no way to redo the past; to fix the wrongs. I realized that I needed to move on. I felt like the best thing that I could do was to ask God for help with these reemerging feelings. I began to pray for strength and compassion. I wanted to love my Dad regardless of our past. With God's help, I was able to put it all behind me and reformulate my love for my Dad. It was a process that I could not have went through without prayer.

In reality, many times too much time has passed to do anything about old incidents. I remember having boys bully me in school, but truly, who remembers it besides me? Most of these incidents happened almost 25 or 30 years ago.

Even today, I encounter people that hassle me about my Christianity and those that simply do not believe that accepting Christ made the difference in my life that it did. They say and do all sorts of things, but I have to remain faithful to my Christianity. Christ is more important to me than any issues that I can have with someone.

The best way that we can deal with those that have wronged us to simply pray for them and treat them the way that Christ treated those that persecuted Him. As He hung on the cross, he prayed "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do." The volume of love he showed in those simple words is amazing to me and brings me to tears every time I read them. It is something that each one of us should strive to achieve for our enemies. After all, it is our duty to reach the lost of the world and show them the love that Christ has for them.

What do others see in you?

"No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. - Luke 6:43-44 (NIV)

Have you ever been around a Christian that is always grumbling and complaining? I have been that person before. Not only is it a sin, but it drags down every person around them. Aside from that, it shows a total lack of trust in God and doesn't show others what God has done for us. Like the Bible says in Luke 6:45,

"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."

I always try to show others that have this problem what they are doing with this negative attitude. I try to motivate them to pray over their situations and surrender them totally to God; a lesson that I had to learn.

In all honesty, we are only human and are going to make mistakes. We are going to have those times when our actions will speak much louder than our words; times when we pridefully want to be seen in a certain light but when other people's view of us are corrupted by something we have said or done. There will be those times when we want others to see the difference that God has made in our lives, but when we are acting just like everyone else.

The greatest witness you will ever be to someone is by exibiting Christ in your life ... to wear Him on your sleeve, so to speak. Maintain your spiritual and moral integrity, and don't try to fit in with the crowd or with someone that is pressuring you to do something that you know is wrong. You will have a much more positive influence on others if you show that the joy of the Lord in your life is more important to you than anything that this world can offer.

Cursing, smoking, drinking, being promiscuous, listening to music that isn't uplifting, and even gossiping are all things that say to the world, "God didn't really change me." Remember, "No good tree bears bad fruit". As Christians, we have something to share and it is our responsibility to show it. If Christ can change our lives and put us on a road to Heaven, He can do the same for anyone in this lost and dying world.

Another step in the journey ...

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28 (NKJV)

Last year, I lost everything. I lost my vehicle, my apartment, my bank account, and my job. Within a period of 3 months, I was living with a relative and looking for a job. At first, I was very resentful toward God because it didn't make any sense. I worked so hard to finally achieve something in my life, and then it gets taken away in one broad stroke. It was also more than humbling to ask people for help and for them to tell you no ... even close relatives and friends. For the first time in my life, it was just me and God. Thankfully, my Cousin stepped up to the plate and offered to give me a place to stay until I could get on my feet. It was a blessing to have her do this for me. She was the only person that came forward to help.

At first, I was a bit uncomfortable. I didn't know how this was going to work out. Her and her Husband were beginning to have problems shortly before I got there. And although there house was big, I wondered if it was big enough. I also had to rebuild my life and didn't know if I could deal with everything at once. One thing that I have learned, though, is that God always has a bigger plan and purpose.

My cousin gave me all of the space I needed and all of the moral support that she could offer. She unselfishly took me back and forth to my new job and fed me without a second thought. I owed her much more than the money that I was able to give her.

During my stay there, I was often the impartial observer, friend, and referee ... but most of all, I was their own personal Pastor. I had been the one that introduced them 19 years before and wanted to do whatever I could to help them and to keep them in tune with God. I listened many times as they tearfully told me things that had gone unconfessed for years, and expressed their commitment to staying together due to their love for each other and for the good of their son. There were also many times that I was able to comfort a frightened 12 year old as he came to me in tears, fearful that his parents were going to get a divorce. In helping them to keep their faith in God, they helped rebuild mine. I wouldn't trade my time with them for anything.

Over the last year, I have slowly rebuilt what I have lost. I now have a vehicle again, that was given to me by a member of the Church. I have a job that is much better than the one that I lost. I also have a great apartment that is half the cost of the one I left. Although I couldn't envision it in the beginning, God has truly brought me through the rain and blessed me in the process.

I know now that although things looked pretty bleak, that God had a greater plan for me. God placed me where He needed me, the whole time teaching me about faith and trust in Him. He also brought me and my Cousin, along with her Husband, into a much closer friendship with each other. I have no doubt that God's hand was on my life every step of the way.

No matter what you are going through, always put your faith and trust in the Lord. When the skies darken and the storm clouds roll in, Praise the Lord anyway because "all things work together for good...". There is a purpose to everything that comes up in our lives. Place all your cares on Him and He will part those clouds with His love.

Turn to God, and He will take you places and teach you wonderful things that you can't even imagine.

Looking across the field ...

Looking across the field August 1980
Originally uploaded by tymark28.

A view across the field on the old farm out in the country that I grew up on. I took this picture in 1980, two years before we moved to town. The tree in the foreground is a Persimmon tree that I used to love to climb and that I played under many days with my Matchbox cars that I bought at Woolsworth. This field had wild Blackberrys growing in it. My Grandma and I used to go out their sometimes and pick them so that she could make a Blackberry cobbler. I can still remember exactly how good it tasted. The farmhouse was old and drafty, but was home for 18 years to my Parents, my Grandma (on my Dad's side), myself, my Sister, and both of my Brothers. Now, 24 years later, this is all an "upscale" subdivision. The farmhouse was torn down several years after we moved and the peacefulness of this wonderful place is completely gone. I miss the old place. Sometimes memories are great, but they just add to the sadness. Out of the seven people that were there, only 3 of us are left. My Grandmother died back in 1985. My Mom passed away back in 1993, and my Dad passed away back in February. I lost my Sister to Cancer back in 2001. Unfortunately, my Brothers and I are so busy these days, that we don't get much of a chance to talk. But when we do, the subject of the "old homeplace" will come up, and we will trade stories and memories of growing up out in the country. I can't say that I would want to do it all again, but I sure do miss it sometimes.

Actually, it just occurred to me that I need to tell my Brothers that I love them.